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Babylon 5

"The Intergalactic Samaritans"

Babylon 5 fan fiction / parody:

Phew. You know. After *that* fourth season almost everybody of the Babylon 5 crew was at the end of their tether. So they were pretty relieved to find the following ad in the Interstellar Inquirer:

You can't cope any longer with all those wars, Shadows, Vorlons, broken planets, heads on pikes, prison cells, commercial breaks, wrecked ships, suicidal presidents, nine Zathrases, blurred aliens, open air lock policies, ambushes, plots, story arcs...?

"We feel your pain!"

Call The INTERGALACTIC SAMARITANS

555 - KANT - SPEL

Here the latest transscript of Mister Garibaldi's favourite Gold-Channel....

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. What do you want?

- <hum whirr groan>: Never ask that question!

- <polite female voice>: Oh, sorry! I meant, is there anything I can help you with?

- <whirr buzz>: Yes.

- <helpful female voice>: Allright, what's your problem? Suffering from an incurable Marcab disease? Or justified grave depressions? Or do you just feel like talking?

- <whirr buzz>: Yes.

- <unflustered female voice>: Just relax and open up, Amba--, uh, sir. You know, it's just the two of us, completely anonymous!

- <kling yodel>: Good.

- <trustworthy female voice>: Well my friend, let's talk about what's bothering you, okay?

- <toot ting clapper>: Tape recorder.

<short silence>

- <confused female voice>: Pardon?

- <toot ting clapper>: Tape recorder.

- <disturbed female voice>: Uh, um, well. Yeah, Mister Amba-- uh, sir... This... <thinking feverishly> ... It's a metaphor, isn't it? <browsing Samaritans' instructions> ... Or... the metonymy of a trauma?? <analizing> Or... rather a... Pars-pro-toto?? ... Oh no, of course, I see, it must be a Concretum-pro-abstracto! <giggle> So, what's wrong with your.... 'tape recorder'?

- <whirr>: Backwards.

<short silence>

- <dumbfounded female voice>: Pardon??

- <whirr>: Backwards.

<silence>

- <thoughtful female voice>: ... Uh. Tape recorder. Backwards. I see. ... <concentrating> ... "Redrocer... Epat"! Um. And... what do mean to say by that?? <brainstorming> Red? ... uh... Blood? Are you hurt??

- <sigh groan grumble>: You do not understand. But you will understand--

- <sympathetic female voice, interrupting>: --But ceeeertainly we do understand you, Amb-- sir! There is no reason at all to pinack-- uh panick, just trust me, I feel your pain! It's all right, everything's gonna be just fine! But still, couldn't you..... be so kind to be a little bit more... precise? If you don't mind I mean??

- <Beethoven's eighth symphony backwards>: Yes.

<short silence>

- <unsure female voice>: ...Y-yes?

- <Ouverture in B flat backwards>: Yes.

<silence>

- <slightly upset female voice>: Uh. Um. Yes. <nervous giggle> ... Well. Right. I-- I'm very sorry, but I-- you know, I-- I guess I didn't exactly get what you ... mean by all that... you know? ...

- <groan hum whirr>: You seek meaning? Then listen to the music, not the song.

- <relieved female voice>: Yeah, sure, the music, of course.

<short silence>

- <faint female voice>: *What* music?

- <B5 main title 4th season backwards>: This.

<silence>

- <exasperated female voice>: You're not pulling my leg, are you?

- <fanfare toot>: April fool! April fool!

- <deeply wounded female voice>: All right!! If that's all I'm good for, go ahead!! Is this the Samaritans or the loony bin?? Why is it always me you are calling to make fun of, why me?? How long will this go on?? Why am I still doing this crappy job anyway??!

- <yodel giggle whirr>: You have always been here.

- <hysterical female voice>: Aaaarrrgh!!!! You are driving me insane!! I really hate it when you do that!!

- <kling yodel>: Good.

<Click>

<Tooooot>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: Good morning. This is the Inter--

- <mysterious female voice>: --I know. I know.

- <polite female voice>: Can I--?

- <sad female voice>: --Yes. You can.

- <helpful female voice>: So what's--?

- <bored female voice>: --My life is meaningless. There are no surprises in my life anymore. Everything is boring.

- <sympathetic female voice>: Oh, that's--

- <depressed female voice>: --Yeah, it is.

- <kind female voice>: Are you--?

- <annoyed female voice>: --Of course I am. What did you think? Nooo, *don't* tell me what you have been thinking. Don't even think of what you have been thinking.

- <resignating female voice>: But what can--?

- <depressed female voice>: --I know, I know, you can't do *anything* for me. I just wanted to talk, all right? But it's no use. Never mind. Bye.

- <annoyed female voice>: .... Gosh, those telepaths are driving me nuts.

- <apathic female voice>: How come I already knew you'd say that?

<Click>

<Tooooot>

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can help you with?

- <rough male voice>: ... Zathras always beast of burden to everybody.

- <polite female voice>: Just relax and open up, sir. This is an anonymous help line--

- <rough male voice>: --Oh. Zathras must not say name? Zathras very sorry. Call again later. Bye.

- <surprised female voice>: But--?

<Click>

<Tooooot>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can--

- <confused male voice, British accent>: --What?? Hello?! Somebody there? ... <interstellar disturbances> ... Hey, can you still hear me?

- <polite female voice>: Just relax, sir, I'm listening to you. You may speak straightforward, sir, this is an anonymous helpline. Are you okay?

- <confused male voice, British accent>: I-- I don't know. Valen, am I glad somebody can hear me. ... <voice fading out and in again> ... I-- I am completely on my very own it seems!

- <anxious female voice>: I can hear you, don't worry. So you are lonesome. Have you been avoiding your fellowmen, or did they walk out on you?

- <nervous male voice, British accent>: Hmmmm. Neither, I think. As a matter of fact, I don't know. Quite scary....<interstellar disturbances>... I don't remember anything! Where in Valen's name am I?? Who am I?

- <concerned female voice>: Calm, calm. I understand you are suffering from repression, or you even might be in a state of shock. This is completely normal, you're gonna remember soon, don't worry.

- <disturbed male voice, British accent>: I beg your Pardon?? You tell me there was something giving me a shock that grave that I am repressing it, and then you tell me not to worry?? <voice fading out slowly> ... I need to find out what happened, else... <interstellar disturbances>

- <helpful female voice>: Hello? Hello, are you still on-line? We seem to be cut off! Hello?

<Too too too too>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can help you with?

- <rough male voice>: ... Zathras quite mad they say.

- <polite female voice>: You may speak frankly, sir. This is an anonymous help line--

- <rough male voice>: --Ah, no, Zathras say name again! Not good. Sorry. Zathras gonna make it right next time. Bye.

- <surprised female voice>: But, hey, wait--

<Click>

<Tooooot>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can help you with?

- <calm male voice>: Yes, indeed there is. I'm... depressed.

- <polite female voice>: Just relax and open up, sir. It's just the two of us, completely anonymous.

- <calm male voice>: I know. Just the two of us... This reminds me of my own job...

- <helpful female voice>: I see. So, do you have trouble at work? With the people you work with?

- <calm male voice>: Now that you mention it - Yes, yes I think I have.

- <trustworthy female voice>: Yeah? That's a very good start, sir! Try to remember what it was that made you angry. Has someone been bullying you?

- <calm male voice>: ... Hm. No. Not exactly. But...

- <sympathetic female voice>: You just don't get along with them, do you?

- <calm male voice>: Yes, yes, you could say that. They are..... just not... co-operating, that's it.

- <understanding female voice>: Very well, sir, we are getting closer to defining your problem. Please do go on!

- <calm male voice>: Well, you see, I'm just doing my work, you know, I'm doing the best I can, but they-- they just don't appreciate it.

- <faint female voice>: Yeah. Sounds familiar to me.

- <calm male voice>: Everybody is undermining my work - well, except for this Drazi guy maybe. When I question something, they don't answer. When I ask them to do something for me, they don't move. When I try to talk to them, they don't react. When I offer an reasonable option, they give me barefaced slander.

- <sympathetic female voice>: Gee, that's tough. But have you ever tried to make friends with them? How do you treat them? Do you really support them, too, or do you merely exspect them to support you?

- <calm male voice>: No no, see, I'm certainly not the one to bear personal grudges against someone, believe me. If you knew me better, you'd agree. Actually, I'm being very kind to them. For example, I fetch them drinks sometimes. I even offer them sandwiches, but -can you believe that- they refuse. Only because I already ate half of it. <in a low voice> They hate me. Sometimes I think everybody hates me.

- <helpful female voice>: Don't say that, sir, you know it's not true! What do you do then? After they refuse all you friendly offers? Do you get angry?

<short silence>

- <calm male voice>: Hm. Well. Sometimes. Yes. ... But, you know, they are keeping me from doing my job, right? I won't give in, now that I got that far. If they co-operated from the start, everything would be much easier, for both of us, you know, but they are solely up to hinder me. Maliciously!

- <encouraging female voice>: That's not fair indeed! But sir, I feel you are strong enough to cope with those ignorant bullies, believe me. Just go on working and show them you won't give up that easily! I know you can do it, sir, and one day soon they will understand that they've been misjudging you, they just need to surmount their prejudices against you, believe me! They don't hate you, don't worry!

- <calm male voice>: Oh, thank you very much, ma'm, it sure' helped me a lot talking about how I feel. I think I can go on with my job without succumbing to my depressive feelings again! I don't know how to thank you!

- <glad female voice>: My pleasure, sir, I'm always glad to help! But one thing, sir, could you tell me, what is your job?

- <calm male voice>: I'm an Earthforce inquisitor. Good bye, have a nice day!

- <thunderstruck female voice>: Bu--

<Click>

<Tooooot>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can help you with?

- <rough male voice>: ... Zathras can never have anything nice.

- <polite female voice>: You again, sir! Don't worry about this being an anonymous help line--

- <rough male voice>: --Now Zathras remember! Zathras did not want to say name. Very sorry, wrong again. Zathras try once again.

- <helpful female voice>: Sir, wait--!

<Click>

<Tooooot>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can help you with? This is an anonymous helpline.

- <confused male voice, British accent>: Hello, do you read me? <interstellar disturbances> Stop talking about anonymity, will you? I'm trying to remember who I am, and what happened, okay?

- <trustworthy female voice>: Oh sir, it's you again, thank God. Of course, sir, I'm gonna help you. Just keep on talking to me, and eventually everything will come back to your mind. Try to do brainstorming. Look around you. Does anything there look familiar? Objects, place, contents of your pocket, does anything ring a bell, hm?

- <restless male voice, British accent>: No, it's completely dark, and -- Oh no, I'm locked in! Heeeelp! Aaaaah--!

- <firm female voice>: Calm down, sir! It's nothing but a claustrophobic fit! You might have had some kind of accident and you probably lost your sense of time and space! Don't worry, everything will be just fine, trust me!

- <disturbed male voice, British accent>: Sob.

- <polite female voice>: Now please try to recall. What's the last thing you remember?

- <faint male voice, British accent>: Okay, I-- I'll try ...I-- hm... I-- I woke up. Must have been some kind of nightmare... <interstellar disturbances>... Then... I found this... MiniLink next to me in the dark. You know, those small thingies they put in life pods and space coffins and probes and so on... <interstellar disturbances> ... Did not know where I was. Just hit any button until you aswered.

- <encouraging female voice>: Very good, sir, go ahead! Do you remember anything about that nightmare of yours?

- <faint male voice, British accent>: Yes... <interstellar disturbances> I think I dreamt ... <fading out again>

- <concerned female voice>: Hey, are you still there? Hello?!

<Too too too too>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. This is an intergalactic anonymous helpline. Is there anything I can help you with?

- <rough male voice, Romanic accent>: Hi. Tis not Zathrrras. Tis Ambassadorrr Mollarrri! Nobody everrr listens to Z-- Mollarrri. Verrry sad!

- <amused female voice>: Oh hi, sir!

- <rough male voice, Romanic accent>: Yes, tis time anonymous! Tis time Z-- Mollarrri did rrright!

- <kind female voice, grinning>: Yes, it's okay, this time you do not need to start it all over again. Now, why are you calling me?

- <rough male voice>: Why Zathras call...? ... Zathras forget ... Zathras very hard life, you know. Everybody wants something from Zathras. Much work to do, oh yes. Zathras got no time. No time to talk. Not even time to call helpline, oh no. But Zathras very pleased you called him. Have a nice day!

- <surprised female voice>: What? Waitasecond -- Hey, it was you who called me! Why did you-- Hello? Hello?

<Click>

<Tooooot>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can help you with? This is an anonymous helpline.

- <confused male voice, British accent>: Thank Valen! <interstellar disturbances> It's me again. I'm beginning to remember! Hey, can you read me?

- <relieved female voice>: Yes I can read you! Please tell me, what is it you remember?

- <mysterious male voice, British accent>: I dreamt, I dreamt the executive producer wanted to kill me. Everybody wanted to kill me.

- <disappointed female voice>: Oh. But don't you remember anything of your life, where you come from and so on, your name, your identity?

- <enthusiastic male voice, British accent>: Wait... <interstellar disturbances>... Yes... Ah! Now I remember who I am! I am the very model of a modern major-general!! Yes!

- <disturbed female voice>: You are the what?? Oh. Well. Never mind. Let's try something else. Did you find out about where you are now?

- <concernded male voice, British accent>: I'm not sure... I still feel like being locked in a box... The air is getting pretty thick in here! Wait -- there is some kind of window above me ... it's steamed up ... I'm giving it a wipe ... I spy with my little eye ... <interstellar disturbances>... something beginning with S....

- <enthusiastic female voice>: I got it! I got it! It's a Street! Do you know the name? Which town?

- <disappointed male voice, British accent>: No. Stars! I'm in space, obviously!

- <excited female voice>: Yes? You got spaced? And then? What do you associate with being spaced?

- <confused male voice, British accent>: Being spaced? ... Hm. Space ... Airlock ... Open airlock ... Susan's Open airlock policy ... In Valen's name! Susan! She... <interstellar disturbances> ... Now I can recall what happened! The war - Susan was deadly wounded - I died in order to save her - She survived - But then -- oughtn't I to be dead?? Waitasecond. *Where* am I?? Hm, and what is this little stick in my pocket?

- <muddled female voice>: Pardon me??

- <thoughful male voice, British accent>: Uh, see, I found something like a metal stick in my pocket. It is somehow familiar, but ... Hmmm...

- <worried female voice>: Be careful with what you're doing, or else--

- <triumphant male voice, British accent>: I recall what it is, it is my Minbari fighting pike! When I shake it like this, it will-- <sssst-click> <splinter> Whoopsie. <ffffwwwwshshshshwopp>

- <helpless female voice>: .......Uh--?! Hello? Hello!!??

<Too too too too>

 

***

 

<drrrring drrrring>

<click>

- <friendly female voice>: This is the Intergalactic Samaritans, Miss J. speaking. Is there anything I can help you with?

- <rough male voice>: Yes. Zathras got a question. You know Zathras' name. Zathras do not know your name. Who are you?

- <warmhearted female voice>: Of course I can tell you, my dear friend. My name is Kathryne Janeway--

- <thunderstruck rough male voice>: --WHAT???! You mean, Zathras had long-distance call to delta-quadrant *five* times???? Oh my--

<Click>

<Tooooooooooot>

© 1998 by Ruth Kusterer, all rights reserved.

 

What do others think? What do you think? What do others think?

Carol said:

That was hysterical, I circulated a print out at work and could track it through the offices by the hoots of laughter going around the building! You've got some brilliant material there!

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Ralph said

Ich habe heute mal einen Blick auf Deine Story geworfen. Witzig... Werde Deine Homepage mal im Newsletter erwähnen, vor allem wegen der Story.

 
   
2008.08.26

http://www.ruthless.zathras.de/